Sunday, April 28, 2013
Time To Fade
Three and a half years ago God handed me something very unexpected. Something nobody ever expects-a cross so different to the plain old one I was already carrying. The difference was that this cross was ablaze with flame and in the middle of the flame the name of a child.
Nobody will willingly run into a blazing fire but even a stranger will do that for the sake of a child and though I couldn't be called a stranger, the presence of the child compelled me to grab that cross. No sooner had my arms enclosed on that burning wood I realised that God had handed me something else as well-a pen. So finding that pen in my hand I started to write and what has come out of that is this story that I am convinced is not mine but His.
There were times when I was writing this blog that I wondered why I was even writing in detail that left me very exposed. Leaving myself open to criticism, or pity which drags one down, or even worse...praise that can overtake the ego and blind one to the reality that no one is more special than anyone else.
I have just taken a weekend out to be silent, to put things back in perspective, to pray and to think. I have done a lot of thinking and I think I can see some things I didn't see before.
I realise that the cross I have carried this last few years was MEANT to be ablaze because God wanted it to be seen. Why was the pen placed in my hand other than to let the flame take hold. I hadn't written much more than a postcard in all the years since I had left school and suddenly this thing was writing itself. I didn't know whether this was going to be a tale of bereavement or of survival but I did know that one way or another I wanted it to be something that would encourage another family to give their child a chance of life. I will never know till the last day whether any baby is alive because of what I wrote but that doesn't matter. My own embarrassment at my 'public suffering' means nothing to me because I can clearly see that (and I'm unashamed to say this) God wanted me to suffer publicly .
There is something seriously wrong in this world that goes far beyond the 'something rotten in the state of Denmark' and that is the gutter level of value for life and in particular life which is considered imperfect. The hopelessness displayed by the medical profession is like a cancer. Those supposed to nurture life being the very ones initiating the taking of life. I have heard so so so few stories of doctors who encouraged families to welcome their imperfect child as much as the perfect one.
So few friends, so few relatives who encourage a 'yes' to life.
So this child that was placed into our lives was given a job of sowing hope in a ground that is arid. I didn't plan for her story to take wings but it did. I didn't know she was going to light up a dark path but she did. All I knew was she was mine and my job was to love her...that her story became public is irrelevant to that.
Now I see that something has changed. Louise is alive. She has surpassed all our expectations and dreams. She has been a witness to hope. She is a witness to life and it's immeasurable value. Her job is done.
Since before she was born I have shared her with all of you.
Now I am taking her back.
The cross that was on fire with a flame for all the world to see is now something different. The fire is replaced with glowing coals to be carried by me and John and Louise in private. My future tears will not be shed on this blog but on my husband's shoulder. We are the parents of a little child who has physical and emotional scars which need nurtured in private. Her long term future is uncertain. We don't know what bridges she will face but we will help her over them even if the waters rage beneath. Her life may have limitations but which of us doesn't have limitations? None of us. This we know..she may have half a heart but it lights up the world. We are forever grateful for her.
Of course I will continue to ask for prayers whenever we have appointments or procedures coming up. They will be mostly on Facebook. But overall I think the story that God has wanted me to tell is told and I hope I've done it well.
Finally, even though the huge flaming cross has been replaced by my private one, I'm looking down and seeing that the pen is still there. I will continue to write over at Raindrops On My Head. My hands have been burnt a few times by what I have needed to write but on the whole I hope it's an uplifting read. Please join me there. You might even find Louise there from time to time.
Thank you all for being part of Louise's story.
Please continue to pray for her.
Jennifer & John (and Louise) xxx